Just a piece of the universe

I have always prided myself as someone flexible and adaptable. That the universe could throw me anywhere, and I will still able to survive. Often, I salivated for adventurous things. I yearned to hike the mountains, to explore the seas, to witness the life at the bottom of the ocean, to discover new places and to meet new people. But, alas, I am afraid. I am afraid of peoples’ judgement. I am afraid if they know or see the real me, I will be ostracized. I am afraid of being abandoned. Thanks to these fear of mine, I suffer crippling social anxiety. I faced identity crisis. Why can’t I be like Along who wasn’t scared of people’s opinion of her? Like my other cousins (I envy the fact that they grew up in sabah).

                Maybe my environment is one of the factor why I am having this crisis. Why can’t I just accept the fact that I am like that, that I am still trying to find him? That I don’t really want to wear that. I’m still trying, I’m still trying. But I’m scared that if people know they will leave me. I don’t want to be alone. But faking things leave a toll on me.

Why can’t I be like Miera?

Why, can’t I just be brave to show the world who I really am?

Why do I need to be afraid of what they think?

Why won’t people just accept someone with all their flaws and still love them?

Why can’t I held my head high and convince myself; either they accept me as I am or leave me be?

Why are you so afraid? Why are you making yourself unhappy?

Please accept yourself as you are. Please don’t be afraid of what they think, what they will label you as, whether they will backtalk you or not.

Live, live the way that you want. Stop making yourself unhappy. Stop shedding tears because of this. Stop being so freaking concerned about people opinion. Stop being so embarrassed of yourself. Stop this, if you can’t accept yourself as you are, love yourself, why bother being alive? Those friends of yours, who stayed with you when you told them the truth, learn to trust them. That even if in these 5 years, no one accepted you, there are still a few people who will be with you through thick and thin.

To those who hate me and despise me after this. I’m sorry for not living up to your expectations. And thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you.

I am no judge!

Assalamualaikum, man, my blog has become dusty. I was so busy with my real life that I forget everything about this. Lately I feel so tired and angry, angry with myself and other people. The English project has absorbed all of my energy. I was snappy and very unhappy. In fact, I became mentally unstable. Say I'm a drama llama if you want but it's the truth. I cried, I yelled and then I felt numb.

The 'hot groupies' affair with pn. Loh still remain unsolved. Maybe I'm just waiting for their next move. For rude people like them, my concern isn't worth it. But I don't care about them at all. It's my additional mathematics teacher's feelings that I'm worried about. I don't them to hurt her, and the other teachers.

If you want to talk about the stupid essays. I can't help much. It was a heavy burden. Especially when half of the class dump their load of work on me and went waltzing away happily. And yes, one of the main editors who egoisticly forget about this work and busy *tuut* with his girlfriend. Those pair of horny monkeys! Grr!! It's 50 essays man, 50! You expect me to do it alone? Are you freaking demented? No, too horny to think!

Be grateful I'm determined enough to finish it. If not, my goodness, even madam will kill you. Though she will sacrifice me to the demon first. To those who give me support, I thank you all! Gracias!

But, now, feeling relaxed after taking off all the burden from me... I... T.T I'm so happy!

And I have reflected on my action. I shall not be like 'that' anymore. You know, I ignored them, I didn't even smile nor acknowledge their presence or even bothered to look at their face when they addressed me. I was... Unreachable. Tired. Cold. And fed up like lord septic. I build back the walls all around me.

Oh come on me. That's stupid. Even I admit it. I shall look at the bright side. This must happened for a reason and I learned many lessons from it. I shall write it in my black journal.

 

Welcome to your new world

4am, that's when my Samsung blared its remorseless alarm. I got up and sleepily made my way to the toilet and get ready to catch the flight. Darn, I forgot to look at my house one more time before getting into the car. Bags dominated at the back, I checked my documents for the last time and took a deep breath.

I really do hate airports and airplanes, forced to sit between two guys, I wasted two and a half hour staring into the empty space. When I arrived and grabbed my luggages to the car, I spared myself a glance to the future. Travelling with airplanes will be so usual from now on. I sighed and entered the Toyota.

My moving schools process was a tough and tiring one, for my bro and myself. First we went from Kota Kinabalu to PPD Tuaran, then back to Kota Kinabalu which is 37km far and then back to PPD Tuaran again. Thanks to uncle Micheal, my registration at Smk st John was an express one. My first impression of that school was 'I regret coming here.' 'if u guys don't accept me, then it's your loss' 'save me San Francisco' 'damn, this school is too small' 'I want to go back to Smk Bandar Baru'. Yup! Those negative thoughts.

Then the headmistress came out and asked me in English wether I'll go away to sbp or MRSM, I replied 'I will stay here.'. She smiled and asked me again when do I want to start. I told her as soon as possible, she laughed!!! She said that's good cause I can join in the fun and dance and those hippie stuff. Hell, I was accepted. She said " 4ums is good, yes, 4 UMS is a nice class." the very same time,I breathe a sigh of relief, some of my worries had been blown away!!!

I came home and finally cried. I haven't cry for a very long time. It's been straining me, these things. Moving and leaving a part of myself. It feels like my world have been turned upside down. I tried to focus on the bright side, but sometimes, shedding a few (or a dozen) tears is the only answer.

Oh the almighty,lead me to the correct path. Please, never let this humble servant of yours astray. Amen.