Brooding yet dramatic

Drown me in despair, this hopelessness, this fear is threatening to swallow me whole. It's like being stuck in a riptide, and sinking to rock bottom Is the only salvation.

Yet a part of me want to breathe, want to hold on to the last thread of persistent hope, that I can go through this, and emerge alive.

That maybe I'm still in a caccoon, and perhaps, one day, I can break through the shell. 

One of those memory lane things

I think it'll be nice to do a blog post about my life in Asasi in the last 53 days.

A record to remind me of who and where I was, and with whom and how I spent my prime years.

Maybe I will miss this phase, even envy it or resent it. 

But like most of things, only time can tell. 

                                                    

A momentary stop

I haven't been writing for so long, as in, you know, thoughts, events and useless stuff like this. All I did for nearly one year here in Asasi is writing academic essays, "essay" yeah right,  more like vomiting the words nearly or exactly like in the textbook. Bulimic learning.

Now, now, don't start whining. There's like 55 days more until I'm no longer a foundation student. Semester 3 past by breezily, err, definitely it isn't easy, but I prefer to think that if the universe throw any shit at me, I can handle it, in fact I can scoop the filth and flung it to an unsuspecting victim. Just saying, I don't know how is it possible for anyone to write a long post. Or maybe I'm just too rusty, that my cog and gears just won't turn as it usually does. *sad face* lah sangat.

    Like a boss, padahal tidur tadi, huks 

Aih, sedapnya Aida tidur

 

Syamim, one of the hardworking gals

Look at us bosses waiting for agriculture class to start

Sarah, love her utara accent

 

2013 shenanigans #1 (prelude)

So I was thinking that it's probably the time for me to write about my school life in a nutshell for 2013 since the year is ending. Now, come to think of it, the earth has been around like what- billions of years? Somehow, it's such a wonderful thought *whistle* anyway, 2013 is the last year Of high school. 11 years, 11! Stuck in a rigid education that actually been shaping you to become a docile sheep, who will obey the 'law' and always scared. A sheep!

        I wonder if that what madam Shantini is trying to tell us.... Ah! Come to think of it 2013 is quite an interesting year. This might be fun :) with the help of my journal (whom I had been unfaithful to) I shall write a near accurate senior year experience. Senior? XD I wasn't well known at all! Wallflower indeed *sigh*

       Let's see, the start of my school days during January was quite funny. I started late because I was having fun in Sabah. My home room teacher even called me to ask wether I'm coming back or not. I was like; 'are you kicking me out or something?' Silently. And on my first day, I came late and get a slip! Imagine that, what a way to welcome me back to the school! A few days before, I called a close friend of mine and she told me there wasn't enough classrooms!  I was like.....

                                       

                                               

       3 classes or so have to be sacrificed and earn a nickname "floating" class. Yup, guess what, my class one of them. I was so disappointed. Shall I define what "floating" class or kelas terapung to you? It means, you don't have a classroom! We have to go from one place to another place at the other class expenses. To labs, library, any empty classroom when those students went to PE or somewhere. And guess what classes they deemed wise to choose as pilgrims? The only 3 science classes in form 5! Yeah, way to go the school administration. What did they said to us?

"Kamu kan dah besar, senior, berkorbanlah untuk adik-adik kamu."

"Kamu kan budak sains, Banyak guna makmal"

"Cikgu percaya yang kamu tak Akan berkeliaran waktu tukar tempat"

       I don't want to seem petty, yeah, there are a lot of students that doesn't get education and etc. but There are so many flaws in the way they handle the problem. After a few weeks, with my sharp intuition, talent as a wallflower, habit of looking dreamy while eavesdropping and asking a teacher in a diplomatic way. Or sometimes, they just blatantly told us the reasons, I identified the cause of sudden lack of available classroom. 

1. The kelas rancangan khas. This program was newly introduced in 2012 in our school and finally in 2013, the problem arises. Since the parent was adamant that their children in krk, 'speshul' kids is placed in morning session, they took 2 classes. The reason? Most guru cemerlang is in morning session. 

2. They used the special rooms to store the mega volume of PBS files. 

This was my thought at that time: 

1. Since the KRK kids are brilliant students, I don't think they will struggle when placed in the evening session. Hey, a lot of my peers did excellent in our PMR, the teachers was not an issue.  Morning session was occupied by students from form 3 to form 5 while the evening ones was occupied by form 1 and form 2. Do your math, and you get the easy answer.

2. Why form 5 students? I mean, form 4 could do it too. Why the exam candidates? Seriously? Just because we are older? Logic, where are you? *sighs* 

       Finally, on the early February, they somehow manage to solve the issue. A classroom was divided to two by thin wood... And become small..... Shared by my class and my poor neighbor, the 5C whom had to cram into with its 40 students. Our class only had 20 pupils, so it wasn't a big deal to us. I hope this situation won't arise again next year.... 

       Ah, then we painted the class. Which was a nice experience. And a few teenage dramas.... Dont want to remember it. quite funny though. the running around the field and screaming part XD We celebrated a special classmate birthday, which I gave my other classmates RM50 to buy a cake for him. And in turn he gave me a free ride back to my house. But got into an accident during his way back to his house -.-" oh the guilt I felt that time......

I can't believe I just made a long post just for January..... 

Okay! I decided to race against time and finish this 2013 rewind before new year! New year, new page, I shouldn't dwell too much in past!

I am no judge!

Assalamualaikum, man, my blog has become dusty. I was so busy with my real life that I forget everything about this. Lately I feel so tired and angry, angry with myself and other people. The English project has absorbed all of my energy. I was snappy and very unhappy. In fact, I became mentally unstable. Say I'm a drama llama if you want but it's the truth. I cried, I yelled and then I felt numb.

The 'hot groupies' affair with pn. Loh still remain unsolved. Maybe I'm just waiting for their next move. For rude people like them, my concern isn't worth it. But I don't care about them at all. It's my additional mathematics teacher's feelings that I'm worried about. I don't them to hurt her, and the other teachers.

If you want to talk about the stupid essays. I can't help much. It was a heavy burden. Especially when half of the class dump their load of work on me and went waltzing away happily. And yes, one of the main editors who egoisticly forget about this work and busy *tuut* with his girlfriend. Those pair of horny monkeys! Grr!! It's 50 essays man, 50! You expect me to do it alone? Are you freaking demented? No, too horny to think!

Be grateful I'm determined enough to finish it. If not, my goodness, even madam will kill you. Though she will sacrifice me to the demon first. To those who give me support, I thank you all! Gracias!

But, now, feeling relaxed after taking off all the burden from me... I... T.T I'm so happy!

And I have reflected on my action. I shall not be like 'that' anymore. You know, I ignored them, I didn't even smile nor acknowledge their presence or even bothered to look at their face when they addressed me. I was... Unreachable. Tired. Cold. And fed up like lord septic. I build back the walls all around me.

Oh come on me. That's stupid. Even I admit it. I shall look at the bright side. This must happened for a reason and I learned many lessons from it. I shall write it in my black journal.

 

Stupid group work

Ugh... It happened to me today. Sorry Pn. Rusmida, I think it as a disgrace. Seriously, you have just humiliated me in front of the whole class. Congratulations! Here, have my embarrassment as a trophy of your achievement. This incident only spurs me to hate BM more than ever.

While all the girls were picking their group members, I was trying my best to hold back my tears that dare to escape. I heard you cheerful voice saying names that weren't mine. how could you throw me away so easily without a hint of regret. Then the teacher's stares when you unintelligent beings loudly make known that I'm not in any group was hard to ignore. I remembered how cold I was during that moment, shivering despite the hot weather, biting the insides of my mouth until it bleeds.

But still, none of you guys noticed it right? The fake smile that plastered on my face, the shaking voice when I agreed to be placed in any group. No, I think a few people noticed it, but still choose to ignore it. I hate group work. Why can't the thief wound me a little, at least physical pains can make me forget the emotional ones.

Sigh... I'm so lonely. I hate this. I don't wanna talk to you again. You are the one who causes me to face such pains during this year. Forget about being honest to you again, I'm not that stupid. You don't deserve me anymore.

Painted mask version 1

I kinda like this uh.... Comic script. (is it?). Anyway! This kinda explains about me. It's not like that I'm saying I'm a demon in heart. Wait, isn't that true. Meh, back to my train of thoughts.

So they thought I'm a cowardly docile spoiled child. Well~ let me tell you this. I have to beg like a homeless kid every time I want something. I get my grades because I'm not a whining little brat like you guys are. I have been a loner ever since I was born due to the large age gaps between my siblings. And due to that, I'm not scared of you rich brats.

I've enough with people like them. That's why I'm writing this. I'm gonna write the things that I'm dying to shout at them. By "them", I mean those people who had hurt my feelings. Its not like it's a serious thing or something. it's just that somehow I realize that the longer I bottle my feelings up, the worser my mental state become. Hate is like poison, if you procrastinate in healing them, it slowly spreads and intoxicate you with its venomous toxin. Do you get it? You will change into a foolish paranoid person. Doubting everyone. Making you think more than you need.

To my former and current haters. I may look innocent, snobby, full of myself, confident and sometimes annoying. Well, I usually do not mind those thoughts because it's funny. For instance, "snobby". I'm not a social butterfly nor an anti-social, it just that I'm an awkward person. Plus I don't have any similar interest with my classmates. K-pop, whatever pop or in short, the entertainment world seems shallow to me. Getting obsessed with this so called 'art'-ists is foolish. Then gossiping like nosy middle aged women. Heh, I can list all the things that I think I can't negotiate with them. But that's another story.

I just want you guys to know that everything is not what it seems to be. Don't judge people too quickly. Put yourself in their shoes before you start judging them. I can see your flaw, but I still can list your good points. I believe that some people have good reasons of why they become like they are although the rest of them are just assholes who take life for granted.

Your artificial life won't last long. Why can't you guys understand what I'm trying to relay to you? Why must you choose to become an ignorant human? I'm merely thinking about each of you. Why can't you see it?

There is something I wanted to tell you guys. I forgive everyone. Today, good things happened to me and I finally see the beauty of trust and a world free from paranoia. I want to feel all those beautiful emotions. Remember this though, if you people step over the boundary one more time, I'll whirl my mask away and let you glimpse my other face. Ah, I feel good now.