I am no judge!

Assalamualaikum, man, my blog has become dusty. I was so busy with my real life that I forget everything about this. Lately I feel so tired and angry, angry with myself and other people. The English project has absorbed all of my energy. I was snappy and very unhappy. In fact, I became mentally unstable. Say I'm a drama llama if you want but it's the truth. I cried, I yelled and then I felt numb.

The 'hot groupies' affair with pn. Loh still remain unsolved. Maybe I'm just waiting for their next move. For rude people like them, my concern isn't worth it. But I don't care about them at all. It's my additional mathematics teacher's feelings that I'm worried about. I don't them to hurt her, and the other teachers.

If you want to talk about the stupid essays. I can't help much. It was a heavy burden. Especially when half of the class dump their load of work on me and went waltzing away happily. And yes, one of the main editors who egoisticly forget about this work and busy *tuut* with his girlfriend. Those pair of horny monkeys! Grr!! It's 50 essays man, 50! You expect me to do it alone? Are you freaking demented? No, too horny to think!

Be grateful I'm determined enough to finish it. If not, my goodness, even madam will kill you. Though she will sacrifice me to the demon first. To those who give me support, I thank you all! Gracias!

But, now, feeling relaxed after taking off all the burden from me... I... T.T I'm so happy!

And I have reflected on my action. I shall not be like 'that' anymore. You know, I ignored them, I didn't even smile nor acknowledge their presence or even bothered to look at their face when they addressed me. I was... Unreachable. Tired. Cold. And fed up like lord septic. I build back the walls all around me.

Oh come on me. That's stupid. Even I admit it. I shall look at the bright side. This must happened for a reason and I learned many lessons from it. I shall write it in my black journal.

 

Stupid group work

Ugh... It happened to me today. Sorry Pn. Rusmida, I think it as a disgrace. Seriously, you have just humiliated me in front of the whole class. Congratulations! Here, have my embarrassment as a trophy of your achievement. This incident only spurs me to hate BM more than ever.

While all the girls were picking their group members, I was trying my best to hold back my tears that dare to escape. I heard you cheerful voice saying names that weren't mine. how could you throw me away so easily without a hint of regret. Then the teacher's stares when you unintelligent beings loudly make known that I'm not in any group was hard to ignore. I remembered how cold I was during that moment, shivering despite the hot weather, biting the insides of my mouth until it bleeds.

But still, none of you guys noticed it right? The fake smile that plastered on my face, the shaking voice when I agreed to be placed in any group. No, I think a few people noticed it, but still choose to ignore it. I hate group work. Why can't the thief wound me a little, at least physical pains can make me forget the emotional ones.

Sigh... I'm so lonely. I hate this. I don't wanna talk to you again. You are the one who causes me to face such pains during this year. Forget about being honest to you again, I'm not that stupid. You don't deserve me anymore.

Painted mask version 1

I kinda like this uh.... Comic script. (is it?). Anyway! This kinda explains about me. It's not like that I'm saying I'm a demon in heart. Wait, isn't that true. Meh, back to my train of thoughts.

So they thought I'm a cowardly docile spoiled child. Well~ let me tell you this. I have to beg like a homeless kid every time I want something. I get my grades because I'm not a whining little brat like you guys are. I have been a loner ever since I was born due to the large age gaps between my siblings. And due to that, I'm not scared of you rich brats.

I've enough with people like them. That's why I'm writing this. I'm gonna write the things that I'm dying to shout at them. By "them", I mean those people who had hurt my feelings. Its not like it's a serious thing or something. it's just that somehow I realize that the longer I bottle my feelings up, the worser my mental state become. Hate is like poison, if you procrastinate in healing them, it slowly spreads and intoxicate you with its venomous toxin. Do you get it? You will change into a foolish paranoid person. Doubting everyone. Making you think more than you need.

To my former and current haters. I may look innocent, snobby, full of myself, confident and sometimes annoying. Well, I usually do not mind those thoughts because it's funny. For instance, "snobby". I'm not a social butterfly nor an anti-social, it just that I'm an awkward person. Plus I don't have any similar interest with my classmates. K-pop, whatever pop or in short, the entertainment world seems shallow to me. Getting obsessed with this so called 'art'-ists is foolish. Then gossiping like nosy middle aged women. Heh, I can list all the things that I think I can't negotiate with them. But that's another story.

I just want you guys to know that everything is not what it seems to be. Don't judge people too quickly. Put yourself in their shoes before you start judging them. I can see your flaw, but I still can list your good points. I believe that some people have good reasons of why they become like they are although the rest of them are just assholes who take life for granted.

Your artificial life won't last long. Why can't you guys understand what I'm trying to relay to you? Why must you choose to become an ignorant human? I'm merely thinking about each of you. Why can't you see it?

There is something I wanted to tell you guys. I forgive everyone. Today, good things happened to me and I finally see the beauty of trust and a world free from paranoia. I want to feel all those beautiful emotions. Remember this though, if you people step over the boundary one more time, I'll whirl my mask away and let you glimpse my other face. Ah, I feel good now.

 

Gestalt's prayer

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. (Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

Let the game begins!!!

Home, at long last. Sigh.... The pleasure, the happiness and the feeling of belonging. I'm home... I admit that I feel all of this tiring but nah, I feel a bit grateful, somehow. A few friends show me how precious they are, and some, just irked me off. You know, betrayal, or the anti-climatic term;the act of substituting me with others, gave me a wrong vibe. I feel repelled and the force of sadness keep me at bay from her. I feel out of place, alone in solitude, and I know I shouldn't stop the seeds of new friendships from blossoming.

So here I am, whining for the tragic loss. Ode to you my best friend, for you yourself announced how tenuous our relationship is. Here, look on the bright side, he who travel alone, travel the fastest. I'm sure the lone ranger me wont mind being in charge sometimes. Just another typical year of being in the library, reading odd books. Or annoying my other friends... Yeah, I can live with that... Come on, love, happy thoughts, happy thoughts....

Welcome to your new world

4am, that's when my Samsung blared its remorseless alarm. I got up and sleepily made my way to the toilet and get ready to catch the flight. Darn, I forgot to look at my house one more time before getting into the car. Bags dominated at the back, I checked my documents for the last time and took a deep breath.

I really do hate airports and airplanes, forced to sit between two guys, I wasted two and a half hour staring into the empty space. When I arrived and grabbed my luggages to the car, I spared myself a glance to the future. Travelling with airplanes will be so usual from now on. I sighed and entered the Toyota.

My moving schools process was a tough and tiring one, for my bro and myself. First we went from Kota Kinabalu to PPD Tuaran, then back to Kota Kinabalu which is 37km far and then back to PPD Tuaran again. Thanks to uncle Micheal, my registration at Smk st John was an express one. My first impression of that school was 'I regret coming here.' 'if u guys don't accept me, then it's your loss' 'save me San Francisco' 'damn, this school is too small' 'I want to go back to Smk Bandar Baru'. Yup! Those negative thoughts.

Then the headmistress came out and asked me in English wether I'll go away to sbp or MRSM, I replied 'I will stay here.'. She smiled and asked me again when do I want to start. I told her as soon as possible, she laughed!!! She said that's good cause I can join in the fun and dance and those hippie stuff. Hell, I was accepted. She said " 4ums is good, yes, 4 UMS is a nice class." the very same time,I breathe a sigh of relief, some of my worries had been blown away!!!

I came home and finally cried. I haven't cry for a very long time. It's been straining me, these things. Moving and leaving a part of myself. It feels like my world have been turned upside down. I tried to focus on the bright side, but sometimes, shedding a few (or a dozen) tears is the only answer.

Oh the almighty,lead me to the correct path. Please, never let this humble servant of yours astray. Amen.