I have always prided myself as someone flexible and
adaptable. That the universe could throw me anywhere, and I will still able to
survive. Often, I salivated for adventurous things. I yearned to hike the
mountains, to explore the seas, to witness the life at the bottom of the ocean,
to discover new places and to meet new people. But, alas, I am afraid. I am
afraid of peoples’ judgement. I am afraid if they know or see the real me, I will
be ostracized. I am afraid of being abandoned. Thanks to these fear of mine, I suffer
crippling social anxiety. I faced identity crisis. Why can’t I be like Along
who wasn’t scared of people’s opinion of her? Like my other cousins (I envy the
fact that they grew up in sabah).
Maybe my
environment is one of the factor why I am having this crisis. Why can’t I just
accept the fact that I am like that, that I am still trying to find him? That I
don’t really want to wear that. I’m still trying, I’m still trying. But I’m
scared that if people know they will leave me. I don’t want to be alone. But faking
things leave a toll on me.
Why can’t I be like Miera?
Why, can’t I just be brave to
show the world who I really am?
Why do I need to be afraid of
what they think?
Why won’t people just accept someone
with all their flaws and still love them?
Why can’t I held my head high and
convince myself; either they accept me as I am or leave me be?
Why are you so afraid? Why are
you making yourself unhappy?
Please accept yourself as you
are. Please don’t be afraid of what they think, what they will label you as,
whether they will backtalk you or not.
Live, live the way that you want.
Stop making yourself unhappy. Stop shedding tears because of this. Stop being
so freaking concerned about people opinion. Stop being so embarrassed of
yourself. Stop this, if you can’t accept yourself as you are, love yourself,
why bother being alive? Those friends of yours, who stayed with you when you
told them the truth, learn to trust them. That even if in these 5 years, no one
accepted you, there are still a few people who will be with you through thick
and thin.
To those who hate me and despise
me after this. I’m sorry for not living up to your expectations. And thank you
for everything. It was nice meeting you.
