Sunday, September 20, 2015

Career Week! life and journey of veterinarians

Hello homies, I haven’t updated this blog ever since I enter degree life, not that I posted much in the first place. I won’t rant about the first few weeks in this post though, cause, well, that will be too long and there are more pressing issues like; CAREER WEEK. It started on 14th September and went on for 3 days. As aspiring veterinarians, there is nothing more inspiring than listening to the talks and advices of experienced vets from all specializations and fields. These are a few posters of the career week which is pretty cool to me;

 



I learned new things from all the speakers. For example; I never thought that we are self-sufficient in poultry and swine industry. And I never thought veterinary medicine is such a large, diverse field. There is more in this field what meets the eye. What strikes me as a really important fact is that this profession is not all rainbows, you will be facing hard times in nearly all sorts of specialization you choose; whether small animals, large animals, and research. Being a veterinarian require tenacity, and flexibility, I mean, you're not only the doctor, you're also the dentist, the caretaker, and whatever roles you have to play. It’s a journey of a lifetime, and a lifetime of learning. What is more motivating than that?!
             
           I always wanted to be a veterinarian. But I don’t want to be ‘just’ a veterinarian. I wanted to be the crazy (not the bad one), passionate veterinarian with more than just enough knowledge. I don’t want to be the kind of veterinarian that left their patient dying just because it’s outside of their worktime hours. My childhood dream that kept pushing me until now is to be a wildlife veterinarian. I wanted to work at conservation areas or wildlife rehabilitation centre. Maybe this is because I spent a part of my childhood in a rural area at Sabah, and watching all those documentaries. This dream will be my pillar in these 5 years, so that whenever I feel overwhelm, this pillar will support me.
Dr. Melissa gold advice

                I admire all the speakers, they have their own experience to share. The mind blowing fact is that all of them starts their journey at Faculty of Veterinary Medicine in UPM. In fact some of the speakers were in the same batch! One of them became an equine veterinarian, one became a lecturer, and another one took a Master in psychology! Just imagine all of this people graduated from the same place and then branched to other places, faced different hardships and all emerged successful!
Prof. Dato' Dr, Shariff is giving a really motivating talk, "Dream big, The sky is your limit"

            
                But of course I paid special attention to Dr. Eve Foong talk. Her experience working at a zoo is motivating. The ups and downs, what type of works she does there. And I get to ask her a question whether people who wanted to go into wildlife should further their studies or just work as fresh graduates. She answered clearly. She advised us to volunteer a lot and try to get as much hands on we could get if we wanted to work as fresh graduates. And the goodies bag for those who asked a question is just a bonus, okay. *Grins* she also gave us her phone number. She’s really friendly!
This is Dr. Eve Foong, she looks really rugged and cool.

                That’s it for today’s post. Here is Bilbo Baggins (my favourite fictional character) expressing my feelings right now.


Thank you to all the seniors and lecturers that made career week happens. We, the DVM 1 students owe you guys a lot. And to the speakers, thank you for sharing with us, we really treasure those advices and wise words.

See you guys~

Ps: why does all the speakers look so young compared to their age?

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Just a piece of the universe

I have always prided myself as someone flexible and adaptable. That the universe could throw me anywhere, and I will still able to survive. Often, I salivated for adventurous things. I yearned to hike the mountains, to explore the seas, to witness the life at the bottom of the ocean, to discover new places and to meet new people. But, alas, I am afraid. I am afraid of peoples’ judgement. I am afraid if they know or see the real me, I will be ostracized. I am afraid of being abandoned. Thanks to these fear of mine, I suffer crippling social anxiety. I faced identity crisis. Why can’t I be like Along who wasn’t scared of people’s opinion of her? Like my other cousins (I envy the fact that they grew up in sabah).
                Maybe my environment is one of the factor why I am having this crisis. Why can’t I just accept the fact that I am like that, that I am still trying to find him? That I don’t really want to wear that. I’m still trying, I’m still trying. But I’m scared that if people know they will leave me. I don’t want to be alone. But faking things leave a toll on me.
Why can’t I be like Miera?
Why, can’t I just be brave to show the world who I really am?
Why do I need to be afraid of what they think?
Why won’t people just accept someone with all their flaws and still love them?
Why can’t I held my head high and convince myself; either they accept me as I am or leave me be?
Why are you so afraid? Why are you making yourself unhappy?
Please accept yourself as you are. Please don’t be afraid of what they think, what they will label you as, whether they will backtalk you or not.
Live, live the way that you want. Stop making yourself unhappy. Stop shedding tears because of this. Stop being so freaking concerned about people opinion. Stop being so embarrassed of yourself. Stop this, if you can’t accept yourself as you are, love yourself, why bother being alive? Those friends of yours, who stayed with you when you told them the truth, learn to trust them. That even if in these 5 years, no one accepted you, there are still a few people who will be with you through thick and thin.

To those who hate me and despise me after this. I’m sorry for not living up to your expectations. And thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you.


Sunday, April 26, 2015

My asasi shenanigans #1

So, an appreciation post is overdue. 2 weeks, and 6 paper left. Before I start subjecting myself to the hellish torture of exam weeks, let me end my final day of lecture as an asasi kid with some pics and sappy post.

       
                                    
    This girl here is called thusha, tush, and A/P sivam. Well, sem 2 has sealed our friendship, I remember chatting after most of exam papers until late night at the picnic table near our blocks. She's one of the people who can handle my volatile temper well, and make me laugh during my worst mood. Thanks for being there mate. My semester 3 is all rainbows and flowers because of you and the kookies. All in all, she's friendly, although sometimes takes her jokes too far, never repented after being scolded , (endearingly annoying or annoyingly endearing I can't decide). I hope we will still be like this, in hate and love relationship during degree,and after that, for as long as life breathes into us.

      

And this is my favorite bunch. The kookies! But Nadia isn't in the picture though. Wait, lemme see if I have Nadia's pic. Guess I'll upload later. I used to have lunch with them, they are, playful and easy to mingle with. There's Pikam, she's, well, the star of our lecture group, she brings life with her, well, I have so much to say about her, I'll make hers later. There's Sarah, my dear lovable siamang. I adore her utara accent, her dedication, but never had any opportunity to work with her. She's going to be an awesome teacher one day, along with Nadia. Aida, my blockmate! I remember her helping to bring back my laptop when I went to watch the hobbit with yah and zainol at night, alone. She does not treat me like the others. She doesnt hesitate to joke around roughly with me. They, don't treat me as if I'm something foreign. And that's a blessing.  I hope we can meet up again. I'll miss their  chatter and the laughter. And I'll miss revising physics with those 2 at block b.

Alright, I'll stop here for awhile, too hungry..... 
 
    


Saturday, April 25, 2015

Brooding yet dramatic

Drown me in despair, this hopelessness, this fear is threatening to swallow me whole. It's like being stuck in a riptide, and sinking to rock bottom Is the only salvation.

Yet a part of me want to breathe, want to hold on to the last thread of persistent hope, that I can go through this, and emerge alive.

That maybe I'm still in a caccoon, and perhaps, one day, I can break through the shell. 

Monday, March 16, 2015

One of those memory lane things

I think it'll be nice to do a blog post about my life in Asasi in the last 53 days.
A record to remind me of who and where I was, and with whom and how I spent my prime years.
Maybe I will miss this phase, even envy it or resent it. 
But like most of things, only time can tell. 

                                                    

Sunday, March 15, 2015

A momentary stop

I haven't been writing for so long, as in, you know, thoughts, events and useless stuff like this. All I did for nearly one year here in Asasi is writing academic essays, "essay" yeah right,  more like vomiting the words nearly or exactly like in the textbook. Bulimic learning.

Now, now, don't start whining. There's like 55 days more until I'm no longer a foundation student. Semester 3 past by breezily, err, definitely it isn't easy, but I prefer to think that if the universe throw any shit at me, I can handle it, in fact I can scoop the filth and flung it to an unsuspecting victim. Just saying, I don't know how is it possible for anyone to write a long post. Or maybe I'm just too rusty, that my cog and gears just won't turn as it usually does. *sad face* lah sangat.

    Like a boss, padahal tidur tadi, huks 
Aih, sedapnya Aida tidur
 
Syamim, one of the hardworking gals
Look at us bosses waiting for agriculture class to start
Sarah, love her utara accent

 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

2013 shenanigans #1 (prelude)

So I was thinking that it's probably the time for me to write about my school life in a nutshell for 2013 since the year is ending. Now, come to think of it, the earth has been around like what- billions of years? Somehow, it's such a wonderful thought *whistle* anyway, 2013 is the last year Of high school. 11 years, 11! Stuck in a rigid education that actually been shaping you to become a docile sheep, who will obey the 'law' and always scared. A sheep!

        I wonder if that what madam Shantini is trying to tell us.... Ah! Come to think of it 2013 is quite an interesting year. This might be fun :) with the help of my journal (whom I had been unfaithful to) I shall write a near accurate senior year experience. Senior? XD I wasn't well known at all! Wallflower indeed *sigh*

       Let's see, the start of my school days during January was quite funny. I started late because I was having fun in Sabah. My home room teacher even called me to ask wether I'm coming back or not. I was like; 'are you kicking me out or something?' Silently. And on my first day, I came late and get a slip! Imagine that, what a way to welcome me back to the school! A few days before, I called a close friend of mine and she told me there wasn't enough classrooms!  I was like.....
                                       


                                               


       3 classes or so have to be sacrificed and earn a nickname "floating" class. Yup, guess what, my class one of them. I was so disappointed. Shall I define what "floating" class or kelas terapung to you? It means, you don't have a classroom! We have to go from one place to another place at the other class expenses. To labs, library, any empty classroom when those students went to PE or somewhere. And guess what classes they deemed wise to choose as pilgrims? The only 3 science classes in form 5! Yeah, way to go the school administration. What did they said to us?

"Kamu kan dah besar, senior, berkorbanlah untuk adik-adik kamu."

"Kamu kan budak sains, Banyak guna makmal"

"Cikgu percaya yang kamu tak Akan berkeliaran waktu tukar tempat"

       I don't want to seem petty, yeah, there are a lot of students that doesn't get education and etc. but There are so many flaws in the way they handle the problem. After a few weeks, with my sharp intuition, talent as a wallflower, habit of looking dreamy while eavesdropping and asking a teacher in a diplomatic way. Or sometimes, they just blatantly told us the reasons, I identified the cause of sudden lack of available classroom. 

1. The kelas rancangan khas. This program was newly introduced in 2012 in our school and finally in 2013, the problem arises. Since the parent was adamant that their children in krk, 'speshul' kids is placed in morning session, they took 2 classes. The reason? Most guru cemerlang is in morning session. 

2. They used the special rooms to store the mega volume of PBS files. 

This was my thought at that time: 

1. Since the KRK kids are brilliant students, I don't think they will struggle when placed in the evening session. Hey, a lot of my peers did excellent in our PMR, the teachers was not an issue.  Morning session was occupied by students from form 3 to form 5 while the evening ones was occupied by form 1 and form 2. Do your math, and you get the easy answer.

2. Why form 5 students? I mean, form 4 could do it too. Why the exam candidates? Seriously? Just because we are older? Logic, where are you? *sighs* 

       Finally, on the early February, they somehow manage to solve the issue. A classroom was divided to two by thin wood... And become small..... Shared by my class and my poor neighbor, the 5C whom had to cram into with its 40 students. Our class only had 20 pupils, so it wasn't a big deal to us. I hope this situation won't arise again next year.... 

       Ah, then we painted the class. Which was a nice experience. And a few teenage dramas.... Dont want to remember it. quite funny though. the running around the field and screaming part XD We celebrated a special classmate birthday, which I gave my other classmates RM50 to buy a cake for him. And in turn he gave me a free ride back to my house. But got into an accident during his way back to his house -.-" oh the guilt I felt that time......

I can't believe I just made a long post just for January..... 

Okay! I decided to race against time and finish this 2013 rewind before new year! New year, new page, I shouldn't dwell too much in past!





Monday, October 1, 2012

I am no judge!

Assalamualaikum, man, my blog has become dusty. I was so busy with my real life that I forget everything about this. Lately I feel so tired and angry, angry with myself and other people. The English project has absorbed all of my energy. I was snappy and very unhappy. In fact, I became mentally unstable. Say I'm a drama llama if you want but it's the truth. I cried, I yelled and then I felt numb.

The 'hot groupies' affair with pn. Loh still remain unsolved. Maybe I'm just waiting for their next move. For rude people like them, my concern isn't worth it. But I don't care about them at all. It's my additional mathematics teacher's feelings that I'm worried about. I don't them to hurt her, and the other teachers.

If you want to talk about the stupid essays. I can't help much. It was a heavy burden. Especially when half of the class dump their load of work on me and went waltzing away happily. And yes, one of the main editors who egoisticly forget about this work and busy *tuut* with his girlfriend. Those pair of horny monkeys! Grr!! It's 50 essays man, 50! You expect me to do it alone? Are you freaking demented? No, too horny to think!

Be grateful I'm determined enough to finish it. If not, my goodness, even madam will kill you. Though she will sacrifice me to the demon first. To those who give me support, I thank you all! Gracias!

But, now, feeling relaxed after taking off all the burden from me... I... T.T I'm so happy!

And I have reflected on my action. I shall not be like 'that' anymore. You know, I ignored them, I didn't even smile nor acknowledge their presence or even bothered to look at their face when they addressed me. I was... Unreachable. Tired. Cold. And fed up like lord septic. I build back the walls all around me.

Oh come on me. That's stupid. Even I admit it. I shall look at the bright side. This must happened for a reason and I learned many lessons from it. I shall write it in my black journal.

 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Stupid group work


Ugh... It happened to me today. Sorry Pn. Rusmida, I think it as a disgrace. Seriously, you have just humiliated me in front of the whole class. Congratulations! Here, have my embarrassment as a trophy of your achievement. This incident only spurs me to hate BM more than ever.

While all the girls were picking their group members, I was trying my best to hold back my tears that dare to escape. I heard you cheerful voice saying names that weren't mine. how could you throw me away so easily without a hint of regret. Then the teacher's stares when you unintelligent beings loudly make known that I'm not in any group was hard to ignore. I remembered how cold I was during that moment, shivering despite the hot weather, biting the insides of my mouth until it bleeds.

But still, none of you guys noticed it right? The fake smile that plastered on my face, the shaking voice when I agreed to be placed in any group. No, I think a few people noticed it, but still choose to ignore it. I hate group work. Why can't the thief wound me a little, at least physical pains can make me forget the emotional ones.

Sigh... I'm so lonely. I hate this. I don't wanna talk to you again. You are the one who causes me to face such pains during this year. Forget about being honest to you again, I'm not that stupid. You don't deserve me anymore.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Painted mask version 1


I kinda like this uh.... Comic script. (is it?). Anyway! This kinda explains about me. It's not like that I'm saying I'm a demon in heart. Wait, isn't that true. Meh, back to my train of thoughts.

So they thought I'm a cowardly docile spoiled child. Well~ let me tell you this. I have to beg like a homeless kid every time I want something. I get my grades because I'm not a whining little brat like you guys are. I have been a loner ever since I was born due to the large age gaps between my siblings. And due to that, I'm not scared of you rich brats.

I've enough with people like them. That's why I'm writing this. I'm gonna write the things that I'm dying to shout at them. By "them", I mean those people who had hurt my feelings. Its not like it's a serious thing or something. it's just that somehow I realize that the longer I bottle my feelings up, the worser my mental state become. Hate is like poison, if you procrastinate in healing them, it slowly spreads and intoxicate you with its venomous toxin. Do you get it? You will change into a foolish paranoid person. Doubting everyone. Making you think more than you need.

To my former and current haters. I may look innocent, snobby, full of myself, confident and sometimes annoying. Well, I usually do not mind those thoughts because it's funny. For instance, "snobby". I'm not a social butterfly nor an anti-social, it just that I'm an awkward person. Plus I don't have any similar interest with my classmates. K-pop, whatever pop or in short, the entertainment world seems shallow to me. Getting obsessed with this so called 'art'-ists is foolish. Then gossiping like nosy middle aged women. Heh, I can list all the things that I think I can't negotiate with them. But that's another story.

I just want you guys to know that everything is not what it seems to be. Don't judge people too quickly. Put yourself in their shoes before you start judging them. I can see your flaw, but I still can list your good points. I believe that some people have good reasons of why they become like they are although the rest of them are just assholes who take life for granted.

Your artificial life won't last long. Why can't you guys understand what I'm trying to relay to you? Why must you choose to become an ignorant human? I'm merely thinking about each of you. Why can't you see it?

There is something I wanted to tell you guys. I forgive everyone. Today, good things happened to me and I finally see the beauty of trust and a world free from paranoia. I want to feel all those beautiful emotions. Remember this though, if you people step over the boundary one more time, I'll whirl my mask away and let you glimpse my other face. Ah, I feel good now.

 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Gestalt's prayer

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. (Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Let the game begins!!!

Home, at long last. Sigh.... The pleasure, the happiness and the feeling of belonging. I'm home... I admit that I feel all of this tiring but nah, I feel a bit grateful, somehow. A few friends show me how precious they are, and some, just irked me off. You know, betrayal, or the anti-climatic term;the act of substituting me with others, gave me a wrong vibe. I feel repelled and the force of sadness keep me at bay from her. I feel out of place, alone in solitude, and I know I shouldn't stop the seeds of new friendships from blossoming.

So here I am, whining for the tragic loss. Ode to you my best friend, for you yourself announced how tenuous our relationship is. Here, look on the bright side, he who travel alone, travel the fastest. I'm sure the lone ranger me wont mind being in charge sometimes. Just another typical year of being in the library, reading odd books. Or annoying my other friends... Yeah, I can live with that... Come on, love, happy thoughts, happy thoughts....

Monday, February 20, 2012

Welcome to your new world

4am, that's when my Samsung blared its remorseless alarm. I got up and sleepily made my way to the toilet and get ready to catch the flight. Darn, I forgot to look at my house one more time before getting into the car. Bags dominated at the back, I checked my documents for the last time and took a deep breath.

I really do hate airports and airplanes, forced to sit between two guys, I wasted two and a half hour staring into the empty space. When I arrived and grabbed my luggages to the car, I spared myself a glance to the future. Travelling with airplanes will be so usual from now on. I sighed and entered the Toyota.

My moving schools process was a tough and tiring one, for my bro and myself. First we went from Kota Kinabalu to PPD Tuaran, then back to Kota Kinabalu which is 37km far and then back to PPD Tuaran again. Thanks to uncle Micheal, my registration at Smk st John was an express one. My first impression of that school was 'I regret coming here.' 'if u guys don't accept me, then it's your loss' 'save me San Francisco' 'damn, this school is too small' 'I want to go back to Smk Bandar Baru'. Yup! Those negative thoughts.

Then the headmistress came out and asked me in English wether I'll go away to sbp or MRSM, I replied 'I will stay here.'. She smiled and asked me again when do I want to start. I told her as soon as possible, she laughed!!! She said that's good cause I can join in the fun and dance and those hippie stuff. Hell, I was accepted. She said " 4ums is good, yes, 4 UMS is a nice class." the very same time,I breathe a sigh of relief, some of my worries had been blown away!!!

I came home and finally cried. I haven't cry for a very long time. It's been straining me, these things. Moving and leaving a part of myself. It feels like my world have been turned upside down. I tried to focus on the bright side, but sometimes, shedding a few (or a dozen) tears is the only answer.

Oh the almighty,lead me to the correct path. Please, never let this humble servant of yours astray. Amen.